I'm losing myself..

But goddamnit I'm working as hard as I possibly can to keep control. I have control over who I talk to, and let's be honest here I absolutely have no desire to talk to a single soul. I have control over how much I drink, and I find myself pouring glass after glass of wine. I have control over how hard I work, and I am currently doubling up my hours, putting in exceptional amounts of effort. Being handed an extra hundred dollar bill after an exhausting day's work not only puts a smile on my face, but gives me a sincere feeling of accomplishment. The same feeling comes at the end of an abusive run, which I also have control of. I control whether or not I'm a quitter, and I refuse to quit now after making such amazing progress in my quest to be healthy. I run every day, or every other day when I feel my legs buckling underneath me just walking down the stairs, and I refuse to lose momentum. I have control over how much effort  I put towards finding a new job, apartment, and car, and I am choosing to focus as hard as I can on those three things. All day, every day. Checking Craigslist hourly, talking to every working adult I meet about my situation in hopes of opportunity coming through word of mouth, making lists on paper of every realistic option I have. Clicking the touch-pad on my laptop vigorously in search of all these things until my pointer finger can no longer stand it. Yes, I have control over a lot of things in my life. I'm staying positive, and every time I look down at my wrist to see the word 'smile', I do just that.

But I'm not here to try and kid anyone, let alone myself. Mentally I'm withering away, and I'm not sure how much more my heart and soul can take.. I have no release; nothing that truly makes me happy at the end of the day. I look in the mirror and see bags under my eyes, and my smile growing dimmer and dimmer. When laying in my bed at night or at the end of a run, I let my mind drift away only to realize I cannot find one happy thing to think about. I recently lost someone I loved so deeply, I have no close connections with anyone in my family, beings a phone call here and there just does not equal involvement, and I have yet to construct any real friendships here in the city. I have hope that things will improve, that in due time happiness will make it's way to me... But how much I may lose myself in the process really, and truly, is terrifying.