What horror this world can bring..

I am currently reading about what has just happened over on the other side of the world in Norway... And with every article I read my heart sinks lower and lower. At least 84 souls killed while at a youth retreat on an island. 7 people were killed as the result of bombed government buildings in the formerly peaceful streets of Oslo. And the death toll only has room to grow.

I can't decide what's worse - reading about this gruesome situation and learning all of the details, or realizing that horrific scenes such as this take place all over the world, for example in the Middle East, and I never take the time to be informed about them. I spend every day focusing on my own issues and trivial problems instead of making sure I know what is happening in our world.

I want to change this. I want to read TIME magazine and learn a little about our current government not only once every few months, but regularly. I want to open up my laptop and instead of jumping to Facebook or StumbleUpon, immediately go to CNN and abcnews. I would say I would like to start watching more news on television, but I find reading words eloquently written is much more effective than listening to commercials every five minutes, or reporters stumble through stories.

I truly and deeply feel for everyone affected by the terror that took place in Norway. The picture above is that of Scandinavian flags in front of the Nordic Embassy building in Germany, flying half-staff for the victims in the bombing and shooting. I feel my heart is the same way today; half full and grieving. Not just for those in Europe, but for those all over this world who have personally felt the horror that it's people can bring.

I'm losing myself..

But goddamnit I'm working as hard as I possibly can to keep control. I have control over who I talk to, and let's be honest here I absolutely have no desire to talk to a single soul. I have control over how much I drink, and I find myself pouring glass after glass of wine. I have control over how hard I work, and I am currently doubling up my hours, putting in exceptional amounts of effort. Being handed an extra hundred dollar bill after an exhausting day's work not only puts a smile on my face, but gives me a sincere feeling of accomplishment. The same feeling comes at the end of an abusive run, which I also have control of. I control whether or not I'm a quitter, and I refuse to quit now after making such amazing progress in my quest to be healthy. I run every day, or every other day when I feel my legs buckling underneath me just walking down the stairs, and I refuse to lose momentum. I have control over how much effort  I put towards finding a new job, apartment, and car, and I am choosing to focus as hard as I can on those three things. All day, every day. Checking Craigslist hourly, talking to every working adult I meet about my situation in hopes of opportunity coming through word of mouth, making lists on paper of every realistic option I have. Clicking the touch-pad on my laptop vigorously in search of all these things until my pointer finger can no longer stand it. Yes, I have control over a lot of things in my life. I'm staying positive, and every time I look down at my wrist to see the word 'smile', I do just that.

But I'm not here to try and kid anyone, let alone myself. Mentally I'm withering away, and I'm not sure how much more my heart and soul can take.. I have no release; nothing that truly makes me happy at the end of the day. I look in the mirror and see bags under my eyes, and my smile growing dimmer and dimmer. When laying in my bed at night or at the end of a run, I let my mind drift away only to realize I cannot find one happy thing to think about. I recently lost someone I loved so deeply, I have no close connections with anyone in my family, beings a phone call here and there just does not equal involvement, and I have yet to construct any real friendships here in the city. I have hope that things will improve, that in due time happiness will make it's way to me... But how much I may lose myself in the process really, and truly, is terrifying.

Forget what hurt you in the past.
But never forget what it taught you.

Whether we like it or not, life goes on. Unless you are seriously considering ending it, you have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other. Yes you can grieve, wallow, or be stuck in neutral for a while, but at some point your legs begin to move. Whether they burst into a sprint or a sluggish crawl is really up to you. 

I've decided that no matter how broken my heart is and how worn down I feel, I'm keeping my head up. I do allow myself those days where all I want and need is just to be negative and tormented.. But I want to work hard at looking past the "right now". I am young. There will be more love in my life. I will find a great job and make my financial situation work. I have the guts and the desire. So here's to picking my pessimistic soul off of the ground, and moving it onward. One step at a time.

Why yes, I wanted absolutely nothing decent to happen today.

Life's important questions;

Why is sushi the most incredible, delicious type of food in this world and WHY do I not eat it every single night of my life?

Instead, I have cereal. Like tonight. And as surprising as this may sound, Special K does not trump sushi. Well, absolutely nothing trumps sushi. Hand me some eel and salmon nigiri, with possibly a Portland roll on the side, and I'm all yours.

It is my personal belief that we are never truly content with what we have. We, as humans, are always searching for what's better, what's next. There's a never ending struggle to be happy with what you already possess, and not what you could obtain. You have a job; you're always on the hunt for a raise or promotion. You have a lover; you're always thinking up ways of progressing (moving in together, marriage, children). You have a life; there's always that little voice in the back of your head asking, "How can I make things better?".

I'm tired of that voice. I'm so unbelievably sick and tired of moving on and finding what's next in life. I want to be content with what I have, and be happy with it. Not just by telling myself that I'm happy, but by really and truly feeling that way. I have a job, I have friends, and I'm young and attractive. I possess certain skills and qualities that one would be proud to have. I recognize and appreciate those things. I think part of the problem at hand is that we always forget to be appreciative.

There are days when a simple smile from a stranger walking down the street makes me feel completely fulfilled. Or when I sip a hot cup of coffee and stop to think for a moment, "Things are really okay..". I get a taste of what it feels like to be totally at ease...
and then my dreams get in the way.

Tonight, this is what I did. With my good friend, and the manager of the local bar I hang around in weekly. Who, and thank you again, handed us on-the-house shots.

I say, fuck you ex boyfriend. Fuck you friends who can't even be considered real friends in the first place. Fuck you small-minded simpletons from my home town, who only fill my head with negativity. And did I say fuck you ex boyfriend?

Basically, fuck you world.

Now let's go take another shot.

 

 

 

LOVE IS LOVE.

 

 ...and this is what life has been missing the past few weeks.