Stab me in the heart with a wrench,

and remove it slowly, only to thrust into each of my eyes.

Love. Romance. Don't mind me as I pine away in self-pity and bitterness.. While simultaneously browsing the web for the sappiest, most romantic bullshit I can find.

 

 

 

 

Don't be concerned. I've only been shedding tears for roughly twenty minutes, alone in my room. Things could be worse.

On a more serious note - I may have a broken heart, but I hold on to faith that things will only improve. I do love you and miss you every day. After the things I've been through and experienced, I don't know if I will ever be able to open up to anyone, ever again. And that is just not fair. But I made a big leap forward when I decided to stop trying to change what I have no control over. I cannot control you disappearing from my life after a year and a half, no more than I can control my cravings for caramel pecan ice cream. I truly believe that when it is time for someone new to be in my life, they will make their way in. And here's hoping they will treat me with more respect, and show a little appreciation if I do everything for them that I did for you.

Now off to Google "sad disney love" some more.

A true passion

Something most people know about me, or find out within minutes of first meeting; I love to cook and bake.
I wouldn't call myself a chef or a baker, however there's something about food that is more than just an interest, but more of a passion. Similar to being an actual singer, knowing vocal techniques and taking choir in school, versus singing in your car or the shower and enjoying it. I love the ins and outs of food, and there is no better feeling than knowing how to properly prepare a fabulous meal or dessert with my own two hands.

A food blog is one I've always wanted to start. Of course, the time I have on my hands currently does not allow me to find/conjure up recipes, make said recipe, and document it with steps and pictures. So, to satisfy my craving for a food blog for the time being, I have a little something I wanted to post..

My Favorite Snack -
a quick and easy recipe

The best snack to quench any thirst and midday sweet craving.

1. Find a bottle of beer
2. Find a bottle opener
3. Open bottle of beer
4. Bake some cookies.
5. Enjoy simultaneously for optimum taste-bud satisfaction.





And there! The beginning of my food blog, with homemade recipe and photo.

....well. Okay. Things will get better. Maybe when I stop working 14 hour days or delete Facebook. Regardless, I hope to one day have proper recipe books that I find inspiration from, and to document all of my cooking skills (or lack there of) in my own stylish blog. Just call me Mrs. Julie Powell Jr.

 

 

To anyone that says alcohol can not solve all of your woes -

I BEG TO DIFFER.

Today, boredom struck me.

It was my day off.

I had nothing to do, and rolled out of bed at two in the afternoon.

So naturally, I head to the tattoo shop down my block to visit with friends, and the next thing I know,

I got my eyebrow pierced. I love it.

 

The life of a pessimist, yearning to change her ways.
I don't know what I would do with my life and myself if I didn't live in a busy city. I may be drowning, but sitting here in a coffee shop, staring out the window and taking note of everything around me, is currently the best medicine I can find for my crippled soul.

What horror this world can bring..

I am currently reading about what has just happened over on the other side of the world in Norway... And with every article I read my heart sinks lower and lower. At least 84 souls killed while at a youth retreat on an island. 7 people were killed as the result of bombed government buildings in the formerly peaceful streets of Oslo. And the death toll only has room to grow.

I can't decide what's worse - reading about this gruesome situation and learning all of the details, or realizing that horrific scenes such as this take place all over the world, for example in the Middle East, and I never take the time to be informed about them. I spend every day focusing on my own issues and trivial problems instead of making sure I know what is happening in our world.

I want to change this. I want to read TIME magazine and learn a little about our current government not only once every few months, but regularly. I want to open up my laptop and instead of jumping to Facebook or StumbleUpon, immediately go to CNN and abcnews. I would say I would like to start watching more news on television, but I find reading words eloquently written is much more effective than listening to commercials every five minutes, or reporters stumble through stories.

I truly and deeply feel for everyone affected by the terror that took place in Norway. The picture above is that of Scandinavian flags in front of the Nordic Embassy building in Germany, flying half-staff for the victims in the bombing and shooting. I feel my heart is the same way today; half full and grieving. Not just for those in Europe, but for those all over this world who have personally felt the horror that it's people can bring.

I'm losing myself..

But goddamnit I'm working as hard as I possibly can to keep control. I have control over who I talk to, and let's be honest here I absolutely have no desire to talk to a single soul. I have control over how much I drink, and I find myself pouring glass after glass of wine. I have control over how hard I work, and I am currently doubling up my hours, putting in exceptional amounts of effort. Being handed an extra hundred dollar bill after an exhausting day's work not only puts a smile on my face, but gives me a sincere feeling of accomplishment. The same feeling comes at the end of an abusive run, which I also have control of. I control whether or not I'm a quitter, and I refuse to quit now after making such amazing progress in my quest to be healthy. I run every day, or every other day when I feel my legs buckling underneath me just walking down the stairs, and I refuse to lose momentum. I have control over how much effort  I put towards finding a new job, apartment, and car, and I am choosing to focus as hard as I can on those three things. All day, every day. Checking Craigslist hourly, talking to every working adult I meet about my situation in hopes of opportunity coming through word of mouth, making lists on paper of every realistic option I have. Clicking the touch-pad on my laptop vigorously in search of all these things until my pointer finger can no longer stand it. Yes, I have control over a lot of things in my life. I'm staying positive, and every time I look down at my wrist to see the word 'smile', I do just that.

But I'm not here to try and kid anyone, let alone myself. Mentally I'm withering away, and I'm not sure how much more my heart and soul can take.. I have no release; nothing that truly makes me happy at the end of the day. I look in the mirror and see bags under my eyes, and my smile growing dimmer and dimmer. When laying in my bed at night or at the end of a run, I let my mind drift away only to realize I cannot find one happy thing to think about. I recently lost someone I loved so deeply, I have no close connections with anyone in my family, beings a phone call here and there just does not equal involvement, and I have yet to construct any real friendships here in the city. I have hope that things will improve, that in due time happiness will make it's way to me... But how much I may lose myself in the process really, and truly, is terrifying.

Forget what hurt you in the past.
But never forget what it taught you.

Whether we like it or not, life goes on. Unless you are seriously considering ending it, you have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other. Yes you can grieve, wallow, or be stuck in neutral for a while, but at some point your legs begin to move. Whether they burst into a sprint or a sluggish crawl is really up to you. 

I've decided that no matter how broken my heart is and how worn down I feel, I'm keeping my head up. I do allow myself those days where all I want and need is just to be negative and tormented.. But I want to work hard at looking past the "right now". I am young. There will be more love in my life. I will find a great job and make my financial situation work. I have the guts and the desire. So here's to picking my pessimistic soul off of the ground, and moving it onward. One step at a time.

Why yes, I wanted absolutely nothing decent to happen today.

Life's important questions;

Why is sushi the most incredible, delicious type of food in this world and WHY do I not eat it every single night of my life?

Instead, I have cereal. Like tonight. And as surprising as this may sound, Special K does not trump sushi. Well, absolutely nothing trumps sushi. Hand me some eel and salmon nigiri, with possibly a Portland roll on the side, and I'm all yours.

It is my personal belief that we are never truly content with what we have. We, as humans, are always searching for what's better, what's next. There's a never ending struggle to be happy with what you already possess, and not what you could obtain. You have a job; you're always on the hunt for a raise or promotion. You have a lover; you're always thinking up ways of progressing (moving in together, marriage, children). You have a life; there's always that little voice in the back of your head asking, "How can I make things better?".

I'm tired of that voice. I'm so unbelievably sick and tired of moving on and finding what's next in life. I want to be content with what I have, and be happy with it. Not just by telling myself that I'm happy, but by really and truly feeling that way. I have a job, I have friends, and I'm young and attractive. I possess certain skills and qualities that one would be proud to have. I recognize and appreciate those things. I think part of the problem at hand is that we always forget to be appreciative.

There are days when a simple smile from a stranger walking down the street makes me feel completely fulfilled. Or when I sip a hot cup of coffee and stop to think for a moment, "Things are really okay..". I get a taste of what it feels like to be totally at ease...
and then my dreams get in the way.

Tonight, this is what I did. With my good friend, and the manager of the local bar I hang around in weekly. Who, and thank you again, handed us on-the-house shots.

I say, fuck you ex boyfriend. Fuck you friends who can't even be considered real friends in the first place. Fuck you small-minded simpletons from my home town, who only fill my head with negativity. And did I say fuck you ex boyfriend?

Basically, fuck you world.

Now let's go take another shot.

 

 

 

LOVE IS LOVE.

 

 ...and this is what life has been missing the past few weeks. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..

It's no secret that I love tattoos. If you can think of a word with more meaning, more power, to describe my adoration for tattoos, then imagine that. They are beautiful works of art you can place anywhere on your body. I'm not sure what's not to love.

Yes the idea of having some image or phrase on you permanently can be a tad intimidating. But personally, I have never been scared. My main defense against them has always been this - if you love something at a point in your life where you want it translated into a tattoo, what's there to be frightened about? Why wouldn't you want something that meant so much to you at one time to be on you forever? You only have one life, and you only get one chance to experience so many things. I have personally come to terms with the fact that I will not be 18, 20, 25, 30, and so on forever.

Significant other tattoos are clearly the exception. It's possible to defend a piece of artwork that is dedicated to your spouse, because a marriage and tattoos are supposed to last forever. I personally know someone divorced, with his ex-wife's name tattooed on his arm. He, oddly enough, does not regret it. They had a horrible ending to their marriage and years of pain to look back on, but 2 gorgeous children came out of it. He explains, "My ex-wife was such a huge part of my life, and I don't regret the decade I spent with her. Who would? Who wants to go through life regretting everything, all the memories? So someone assuming that I wish I could take back this tattoo is like them assuming I wish I could take back my children and my 20's."

I feel the same is with all tattoos.

 One Shot Tattoo
Irving St., San Francisco, CA

Photo by Yours Truly

Being a tattoo artist takes such skill and talent. I truly admire them, the ones I'm friends with more specifically, and in more ways than one. I live next to a tattoo shop, and it is still one of my favorite places to visit and be around. There are so many beautiful designs hanging on the wall, as you can see above. Don't even get me started on how inspired just walking in to that place makes me. But most importantly, the people that work there are the least judgmental and most eccentric people I know.

So you may ask, what tattoos do you have? I have three. My first I had done in January; a treble clef with music notes fading downward after, behind my ear.

My life has always revolved around music. I will always be a singer, which inspired the placement. Enough said.

A few months later I got the word 'Smile.' done on my wrist. It has personal meaning, and even years down the road when the reason why I got it fades from my memory, it will always be a nice reminder. A smile will always be life's most beautiful, simple accessory.

And lastly, my most prized possession, is the incredible phrase I have tattooed on my side. I'm sure you have all seen or heard of 'COEXIST', most commonly referred to as the 'bumper sticker'. But before the hip bumper sticker phase, it was created to mean that all religions and beliefs can live together in this world, harmoniously. I do not believe in hating others for how they want to live their lives, and especially not for their religious beliefs. I am an Atheist, I have been my entire life. I hate that I've grown up with the burden of being immediately judged or looked down upon for it. Honestly, to each his own. I long for the day when every race, religion, and sexual orientation can live together in this world without fear of being hated or discriminated against.

So here it is, and I love it with all my heart.

 

This was an hour after it was finished, so ignore the black bloody smears all over my body. It was 2 and a half hours of pure torture. I never knew something could hurt so badly, but I went in mentally prepared. Everyone, and I mean everyone, gave me the craziest looks when I told them where I wanted to get this done. Apparently, little had I known then, your side and more specifically your ribcage is the most painful spot to get a tattoo done. Before this I had thought it was your wrist. Before that, I had thought it was the thin skin behind your ear.

And they were all so, so worth it.

oh hey look, it's the story of my life.

Take me away..

La Manzanilla, Mexico

Or you could call it paradise.

I miss Mexico, so very much. And not the 5-star resort, unnaturally blue chlorine filled swimming pools, white linen towels, servers hand-delivering you faux margaritas, views of the Pacific Ocean from a hotel balcony Mexico. No, that is not real Mexico. I mean a small town, better yet village, deeply hidden in the deserted country side, hundreds of miles away from any sort of city. Where there are more Spanish families working hard for a dollar than tourists. I spent two weeks in La Manzanilla in April, and it was all of those things. It was fabulous.

As cliche as it sounds, it really is escaping reality.  Everything is so different and fresh, and not in a luxurious way. I loved that I had no cell-phone, no laptop, no way of really communicating with peers and family back home. Well, I may have not loved it at first, but hey, it takes a while to wind-down when you go on vacation.

I learned new things about a culture I had only read and heard about by word of mouth. I met people my age that were born and raised in the village, and they had a completely different outlook on life than I could ever imagine having. Here I was, escaping from my life in San Francisco, telling them about how stressful life in the city and working full-time can be.. And here they were, staring at me, hanging on my every word. So completely envious of my life and craving a full-time job. I wish these people were still in my life.

I also met a guy.. A man, really. A hard working server at the fanciest restaurant the village had to offer, and extremely good looking. I'm not one for Spanish men, so that's saying something. Dealing with the recent ending of a year and a half relationship, he reminded me what it feels like to  have those butterflies in your stomach, to have fun. His restaurant was right on the beach, and I would sneak off down by the water to catch his eye, clearly prompting him to be equally as sneaky and come steal a kiss. It was totally a movie fairy-tale.

That little romance ended when I found out he was married, and had two children. He was only 24, how was I to know? At least the memory will be there to look back on.. and smile about.

Moral of the story, I am in desperate need of another vacation. I want to escape from my reality, only to enter a whole new world with all new people in it.

And probably to make-out with a total stranger on the beach again; feet in the water, hands in the hair.

Meet the love of my life..

Stefani Germanotta
Lady Gaga
Mother Monster
An inspiration to anyone and everyone

Whether you like her music or not, whether you hate her outrageous gimmicks and costumes or not, there is no denying that this woman is a beautiful, talented human being. Her ability to build her name, career, and empire as much as she has in the past three years, since her first single was released, continues to take my breath away.

I will never say that I love everything Lady Gaga says or does; I don't think anyone can say that about anyone. At least not if they are being honest.
But, I have to admit, it's pretty damn close.

The lyrics to her song Speechless will always move me.

"..And I know that it's complicated, but I'm a loser in love so baby
Raise a glass to mend, all the broken hearts, of all my wrecked up friends."

The power in her voice when she sings every verse, the look on her face as she pounds the keys of a piano when she performs this song live. I am a singer. I know what real talent sounds like, and I know what is and is not easy. She is a real musician, and it will always bother me to my core when people verbally abuse her, for this reason alone. However. Beings I know my word is probably not enough to convince anyone, nor should I try to ramble on, if you're one of these said 'haters', watch this and get back to me -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM51qOpwcIM

Not only is her music beautiful and original, but her music videos.. Her performances! People forget that she is just that - a performer. And that her crazy costumes and deranged dance numbers are all part of her job as an entertainer. The fact that people crave so deeply for normality, and that anything different or unusual is only talked about in a negative light, truly makes me angry at society. But, what can you do?

The absolute most important and incredible reason that I love and adore Lady Gaga is her belief in Equality & Gay Rights. She has single-handedly pushed society's level of tolerance for the gay community light years ahead of what it was 10 years ago. (It is no secret that I believe in equal rights for all.. but that is a whole different blog post that I'm sure I'll conjure up soon.) She loves all of her fans, and truthfully everyone in general, and uses all of her influence to make others feel the same. If you don't find that beautiful, then I pity you.

She is an incredible, talented, original, loving person. An all-around inspiration for my life. I truly love her for all she has done so far in my generation.
So thank you.

xoxo

Yes. I strive to be happy. Yes, I love finding the beauty in everything.

But at the end of the day..

in the midst of a breakup, raising someone else's children, being broke,
and having no friends,

This is me.

            I do not claim to know everything, nor do I think I do. At least most days. I'm caring, witty, sarcastic, outgoing, and I try to find the beauty in almost everything. Which, I'll be honest, is hard because of how many things and people I cannot stand. But, as is in my nature, I would rather try to focus on the good instead of the bad.
           
            I'm 19 years old. I have spent my entire life living in the Pacific Northwest, all the while yearning to reside in a big city. I love being surrounded by diversity; being able to walk out my front door and never knowing what to expect. Having a million different things to do or experience at any possible moment. You can't get that in small, sheltered town in Washington State. I pride myself in leaving my family and friends to live in a place where there are more museums than McDonald's.
          
            I could write a book with all of the life I've lived so far; watching my mother go through four marriages, raising my three younger siblings (not including all of the steps, and halves, and quarters, and twice removed, ect.) while my mother was less than absent, having an abortion at 15 with my then high-school-sweetheart, working hard for every penny to my name, with no parental or family help. Ultimately raising myself. I'd say I've done an okay job, but hey, I may be biased.
           
            But I am well aware of how far I have yet to go. All I really know for certain is that if I can get through all I have with a smile on my face and witty commentary in my head, then I can easily keep it up.
          
            I have a passion for writing and beautiful photography, so here I am to make the life I live public. And put my uneducated passions to good (decent) use.